The incapacity to just 'be'

'It is better to strive to achieve, than to sit in better regret'.

Since I was about 16, this has been my motto. I read it somewhere and found it to be the most inspirational sentence I'd ever seen.

For the most part, it worked. It made me more confident. Finally, I started to sing in other places than the bathroom, had the guts to talk to boys, and, a little later in life, it got me two master's degrees.

The only problem is that I now seem unable to do anything but striving to achieve. I want to be the best editor and writer, the best singer, the best girlfriend and so on and so forth. It has begun to take it's toll.

Because when do you stop with the 'bigger, better, faster, more'-thought? When have goals been achieved? I have a nice job, but I could at least try to become editor-in-chief. My band is great, but we've only played one gig. Shouldn't I want to have a record deal? Our house is a home, but never spotless. My friends and family are so close to my heart, but shouldn't I try to spend more time with them?

It has left me with a complete inability to just 'be'. Lying on the couch watching a movie without at least thinking about 'achievements' has become a rarity.

And then a couple of days ago, it hit me. Is my boss a happier person than me? Maybe, maybe not. But she is not happier or unhappier than I am because of her job alone. Are those musicians I look up to happier than me? Again: maybe, maybe not. But it is not just what they do for a living that makes them happy or unhappy. Just as in my life, there are so many other factors that influence their happiness.

You can be the CEO of the world's most succesful company, or the best musician that ever walked the earth. If you or one of your loved ones is sick, or if you are lonesome, or insecure or whatever, I can't imagine the fame or fortune taking the pain away.

It's time to just try to achieve to be happy. Anyone got a manual?

(Rat Race-picture: richgrad.com)

Doomed twice around?

For more than two centuries, newspapers have been key in spreading information. For even more centuries, music was something people would pay money to hear.

In this day and age both news and music are goods that are easy to come by for free. You read the news online, and you don't buy new albums, you download them. I'm guilty of both.

I don't have a newspaper subscription and for the last couple of years, I've only bought about twenty cd's. The other 300+ cd's in our house were bought before roughly the year 2000. Or I got them for free, because I used to work as a music reviewer for an online music magazine.

All of this is remarkable, because not only am I a journalist, I'm also the singer in a band. With reading free news and listening to free music, I'm robbing myself.

Or aren't I? These may not be the easiest times to be either a journalist or a musician, these are interesting times to be a part of both industries. People are frantically looking for new ways of making a living out of spreading news, or out of making music. It's like the search for the Holy Grial.

All we know is that the old days are gone. Even the people who make the news and the music aren't willing to pay for either one anymore.

But what if the Holy Grail doesn't exist?

Stage fright's a bastard

Stage fright really is a sneaky little bastard.

In a couple of days, my band Beyond Violet is supposed to go on stage for the first time. There's just on little problem: my vocal chords decided they weren't up for it and quit working.

I've had almost no voice for over a week now, and it's starting to get on my nerves pretty bad.
It seems stress can impact your body in many ways, and in my case, this time it felt like messing things up for me.

Having no voice sucks for a couple of reasons.
1. I can't sing. It isn't until you can't sing that you realize how much you do sing all day long.
2. I can't talk. I'm a journalist for cryin' out loud.
3. Freaking out over not being able to sing with an important gig coming up, makes my throat tense up even more. Which can't be good...
4. People can't seem to leave me alone. I tell them I can't talk, but almost every single person that calls is like "Oh right, well could you just tell me about this one thing blablabla"

Which is why stage fright is such a sneaky bastard. It's the deadliest link in this vicious cycle I'm trapped in. Being nervous is bad for the voice, it can make you loose your voice, and when you've gone hoarse, you get even more nervous, which doesn't help getting better.

The advice I get from fellow musicians is to not sing, talk or even whisper, eat loads of honey, drink tea and most of all to chill out. It just so happens that I can do all of the above, but the chilling out part... well, let's just say this is a real test of character for me.

Picture: Beyond Violet by Fabio Valiante